| One of the most honest things I've ever written... |
[16 Nov 2006|04:43am] |
Sometimes I wonder why everything that goes in here is bad, but sometimes you've just got to get things out, no matter the media and you feel better. It's 4 in the morning and I've got nothing better to do than to cry my eyes out and write a blog. Woe is my life.
I look at the events in my life and how I take them, how I react and can be satisfied with it, but I also think about how they would have gone had I been a different person and reacted differently.
I can only say that I am me and that's the best I can ask for. I think I'm a good friend, in fact I've been told the same, so I can only look at this one situation and wonder where did I go wrong...because I don't see it. I've done nothing wrong and I refuse to take the blame for someone else's mistakes. I REFUSE. I refuse to let other people make me look bad, I refuse to let other people speak poorly of me (especially if it's false) and I refuse to let other people treat my friends poorly. There's no reason for it and because they won't stand up for themselves, I try and stand up for them. I would only hope that my friends would do the same for me.
Though recently I've come to find out that that last part is false. People don't stand up for me, most people don't care about my feelings and that's why I've come to overprotect myself. I'm not going to say shelter because I'm one of the least sheltered people I know, but come on, let's get real people. There's a time and a place to let things go, this IS NOT one of them.
I'll admit it. I wrote the letter. I've often times hear therapists say that if you have something to tell someone, but you cannot, write them a letter and then throw it away, but who uses paper anymore? I typed that shit. I even thought about it before jumping head first into it. Wrote down the points I'd like to get across and how I felt about them. This letter turned out to be 3 pages long, nicely written and I was almost proud of it. I sent it to myself on myspace, but didn't send it to the person it was written to. I wanted to let another person know that I'd written it, but had not sent it. He made the worst possible mistake in this situation, he told the person that I'd written the letter.
Just when I thought that everything was okay and smoothed over, I felt better about the situation because in at least one way I'd gotten my feelings out, that person decides to lie and tell him that I sent the letter.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HURTS MOST, THE FACT THAT I WOULD NEVER LIE TO HIM AND HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME OR THE FACT THAT HE KEEPS GETTING HURT. I think it's honestly the first one.
I have no reason to lie, none whatsoever. Why? What's the point? It doesn't accomplish anything and it only hurts people in the end. I can only hope that this is going to be the last time he allows her to lie to him because quite frankly I'm tired of seeing him hurt. I can only cheer a person up so much and so often, after a while my antics stop working and it kills me that I cannot put a smile on his face the way he does mine. I want to say he's been there through thick and thin, but he hasn't. Most people haven't and I think it's mostly because I don't want other people to see me like this. Distraught and crying. Crying over something silly is one thing, bawling your eyes out so that snot is running down your face and you're sobbing so hard you cannot speak is another.
I hate the fact that you don't care about me as much as I care about you. Not in that way, but for the fact that I'd go to prison for you, I'd take a bullet for you and I'd take on all your pain so you wouldn't have to feel it, ever. I've come to realize that people take friendships like mine for granted and that's why I've come to love my friends more than anything in the world. I could be famous and rich, but without the friends to share that with, what is it? It's just fame, money, loneliness and heartache and I for one am not up for that alone.
If I had all the money I could possibly need I'd probably take care of my friends first. I'd want to make sure they were all housed, doing what they want to do in their life, not what other people tell them. Sure money doesn't buy eternal bliss, but it buys temporary happiness. People who say money is the root of all evil doesn't have any and you can count me in on that number.
I hate the fact that people don't like when I tell them the truth. Would you rather me lie to you? Sugar coat things so that they go down easier? So they look prettier? I didn't think so.
All I wanted was for someone to defend me, to look out for me, to have my back. I wouldn't say you failed, but I may have lost some faith. There's no one better to watch your back than yourself and it gets hard, I'll tell you. Nothing in this life is easy and though I'd rather it be, the success wouldn't be as sweet. If you got handed a record deal, but couldn't sing worth a lick, wouldn't the record suck?
Most people think I'm joking when they tell me that cigarettes are bad for me or they'll kill me and I respond with an enthusiastic 'I'm counting on it' or 'Not quick enough', but really that's the honest to God truth. Should the fact that I would rather die at an early age than see how shitty this world turns out be held against me. I don't think so.
People are so quick to judge, so quick to hate and so quick to jump down each others throats. I'm guilty of this myself. Yes I'm calling the kettle black, but now that I've seen this, I'll try to keep my loud roar to a low hum.
I'm sorry to anyone that I've inconvenienced with my loud and abrasive voice, my views and the fact that I love you more than the world itself. I won’t apologize for hurting anyone’s feelings in the process and like I’ve said before I REFUSE TO APOLOGIZE FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S MISTAKES.
It’s not my fault that bad things happen to you, it’s not my fault that people lose faith in you. You have to believe in yourself before anyone else can and I’m only now beginning to realize that.
‘Smart people learn from their mistakes, wise people learn from the mistakes of other people.’ I can only hope that I’ve allowed some people to become wise. Don’t follow in my footsteps, don’t do HALF the things that I’ve done. I don’t regret them, but they’re probably not for you. They’re not for the weak willed, the addictive personalities, or the weak of heart. It’s an ugly world out there and I’d rather you not see it before you’re ready.
I love you, please remember that, while I'm here and long after I'm gone.
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